I recently met a young lady who had read my book Calm Through Chaos and wanted to know how I had coped with the fear of death. The type of fear that can prevents one from being alone, doing day to day things and getting out the house. I think a severe fear of death actually becomes a fear of life; it can stop you from living. Let’s face it life is risky, we can’t avoid risk completely but a fear of death is a reality for many and when it holds us back unnecessarily it is time to find a more resourceful way of dealing with the fear.
A fear of death was very much a reality for me, especially the fear of leaving young children behind. There were many times in an ambulance where I genuinely thought I was going to go (and no I don’t mean to hospital!). Death is one of the few certainties in life, so in this context, wouldn’t I be inspired to live my life fully. Wouldn’t I want to make the most out of every moment? Doesn’t this certainty of death solve the problem? End of story?
According to Bryan Brown in the movie Palm Beach, a health scare certainly can provide an ‘uninvited clarity’. I agree, it can and it did for me. A “wake-up” call can be a blessing that uncovers life’s true value; what really matters. The truth is that not even this greater reverence for the fragility of life but on the other hand a reverence for the human strength and courage, is a complete panacea. The fear of death can still hold us captive.
I would rather die living than die having never really lived. I know this on a cognitive level but on a day to day level I found I had to face my fears one step at a time, one steps builds confidence for the next one and so on. During cardiac rehabilitation, I had a home schedule of walks. Starting with five minutes twice a day, then building to ten minutes and so on until I reached 45 minutes in one hit. The process was slow and I had many fears, fear of what might happen, including dying, the fear of appearing foolish plodding along slowly, the fear of collapsing on the sidewalk, who would help me? I think you get the idea, it could have stopped me from going, getting fit again and being able to do something I enjoyed. Although I did the walks alone, it was with the confidence of having paced the hospital corridors in rehab and my schedule was developed by nurses so I put my faith in their support and expertise.
A few tips that might help with fear of death:
1. Get support and advice from professionals, friends and family.
2. Read a book or listen to a podcast from someone who has been in similar circumstances.
3. Take it slowly, start small and grow it gradually, your confidence will build as you go along, it isn’t going to miraculously just arrive, you have to do something.
4. Reward yourself for small wins and talk nicely to yourself; encourage yourself.
5. Consider safety mechanisms that make you feel more secure i.e. an alarm device or app to alert family or friends if you are unwell, emergency details handy, think through your protocol in one or more situations, document and share with others.
6. Focus on what you do want in your life and the benefits of doing something rather than focusing on what you don’t want and what could happen i.e. death.
7. What are your passions in life? Do what you love and allow this to become more important and overcome your fear of death; allow the fear to move to the background, rather than drive you. Allow the love of life to become more important than the fear of death.
Facing fear is certainly a process and ‘overcoming a fear’ doesn’t mean it won’t raise its ugly head again. Hindsight can mean that we face our fear more bravely and competently but sometimes it also brings a sinking feeling of ‘oh no not again’. It can be tiring when you face similar health issues over and over again and there is another level of stamina, resourcefulness and motivation that has to be found each time to face the fear.
Because after all love, courage, trust, calmness and curiosity are the opposite of fear. Grow these qualities and may they lead to a richly rewarding life. Life is indeed short and we would be wise to live it fully and find beauty everywhere.
Keep riding the wave of life!
Love always
Tracy
e-mail: tracy@waveformconsulting.com
Waveform Consulting 