After a health scare or major cardiac event, relationships can strengthen and this is wonderful but at times, like in any relationships, there are also struggles. The very friends and family who love and support you can also be the source of discomfort. A patient in rehab or recovery often struggles to come to terms with what happened and a whole range of related issues. Their friends and family, on the other hand are hoping for them to get back to “normal” and frustrated when that does not happen. As a result, both can be sensitive and easily offended, especially when they have just been through a stressful situation, things can become uncomfortable.
Here are a few of my thoughts and a few questions that may assist in turning your struggles with others around, particularly when you are in rehab or recovery.
ACKNOWLEDGE THE PROBLEM
- When things go awry start by really acknowledged what the problem (it can be useful to write one sentence to describe it). What is your role? What is someone else’s role. How is it making you feel? What impact it is having on you and your health?
KEEP PERSPECTIVE:
- Ask yourself – how much love and support have you received from this person and others and then compare this to what is annoying, frustrating or upsetting you. Keep the size of the problem in perspective.
CHOOSE WHERE TO FOCUS:
- Our minds sometimes blow the situation up and the one negative person or comment occupies all our time or headspace. Remember while you are focusing on the bad it can mean you miss out on other things or other people that are good, helpful or supportive. To reverse this start journaling all the things about people that make you happy and aid your recovery. Start focusing on the good rather than the bad. Because after all where you focus is what you get. Shine your torch in positive places because it will help your relationships and is good for you.
DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND:
- Sometimes you just have to say that interaction was really bad or poor, let’s start again. No blame, just a desire to move forward and do better next time. Don’t be too hard on yourself!
- When you are having ongoing problems, stop and reflect on the person. What they mean to you? Is the relationship worth saving? Are you willing to let go of the relationship, maybe just for now? If it is worthy then have a conversation with them about what is not working for you, the impact of their behaviour? Find a way to let go (even just a little bit) or start a new way of relating.
MODIFY YOUR EXPECTATIONS:
- What expectations do you both have? Are they realistic and really what you want or simply what you think is the norm or expected? It’s ok for things to be a bit messy right now!
- The expectation that a patient will ‘return to normal’ is often the benchmark for success after a health event. However, this can be a set up for failure and can also inhibit personal growth. Life is not static. A ‘return to normal’ is amazing but can also be a missed opportunity to reassess your health, career or other aspects of life. A more realistic and healthier benchmark might be to ‘modify your lifestyle to support health and wellbeing’ and when you can’t return to something (e.g. sport, work) then eventually find ways to satisfy the need that was being filled by the activity. Where can you lower or change your expectations? This can release some of the pressure you might place on yourself and others.
- Don’t always expect a carer or close family member to give you everything you need. Remember they need breaks and other relationships bring different gifts to you. Find a balance of relationships who inspire and uplift you. This could be an open discussion with ‘your rock’, be sure to express your gratitude to them!
I wish you well in your relationships, may you find ways to ensure that they support, nurture and sustain both of you! Please reach out or seek further resources if you need further support. My book ‘Calm Through Chaos: How to build resilience and thrive in life’ may also assist.
Love always
Tracy
e-mail: tracy@waveformconsulting.com
Waveform Consulting 