On 2 August 2010, my life as I knew it changed, during the wee hours of the morning, I had a sudden cardiac arrest (SCA). Thankfully, I am one of the few fortunate survivors, mainly due to early intervention, by my husband. His ability to remain calm, think and be composed in an emergency are phenomenal. Not to mention, that he was performing CPR (without training) at 2am in the morning. I have infinite praise, love and gratitude for him! A true hero!
Other heroes entered the scene, the firemen and paramedics, who responded to my situation in about 10 minutes after my husband’s 000 call. From the time of his call to resuscitation only 17 minutes passed. How long my heart was still will remain a mystery because I was without pulse when my husband woke and while he tried to rouse me before making that critical call.
Later, there were many nurses and doctors who took care of me whilst in an induced coma in ICU and then subsequently during a 5-week hospital stay. During this time, a ICD/pacemaker was inserted into my chest and I had an ablation along with many procedures and MRIs to ensure that I was physically and mentally intact.
As an otherwise, healthy and fit 42-year-old, there was a new fragility around my body that I had never encountered before. I was trying to come to terms with what had happened as well as facing my mortality and the unbearable pain of leaving my husband, young family, parents and extended family. These emotions were deepened by the sudden death (and suspected SCA) of my brother, aged 39, just 2 months prior to my SCA. I barely had a chance to grieve my loss when I was thrown into my own medical emergency and only faced his death well after my SCA.
It was a painful journey, physically, emotionally and spiritually. The road of rehabilitation, included: yoga, a cardiac rehab program, counselling, walking, getting back to work after a 9-month break, reaching out and speaking to others and I got involved in an organisation called hearts4heart, which helps people in similar circumstances. Ultimately, nothing prepared me for this path, the journey simply had to unfold. This process, like life, simply is about being rather than doing. I learnt through this, that all that really matters is “love!”
My story certainly didn’t end there. In fact, my new life story had just begun!
I am most sincerely grateful for my extended life and I know I am one of the fortunate few. I believe that I have been given a second chance and for my family members who didn’t have that chance, I feel a longing to live my life fully. On one level, there is gratitude that I didn’t lose my life, but on another, I did lose something. I lost my ability to trust in myself, I lost faith in my body to sustain me. My flagging confidence after my SCA was further dwindled due to subsequent and significant heart rhythm issues, ICD replacements and a further ablation. I had no real insight into these emotions, looking back I’m able to see the impact my emotions, thoughts and feelings had on me.
I was hospitalized in 2013 with VT, about a month and a half after my brother in-law’s death at age 53. Somehow, I stayed stable through my father in-law’s death in 2015. I was on the strongest heart rhythm drug available so that might explain it. He reached the age of 84 so there was less shock, but confronting our mortality and losing a family member is always difficult. I was again hospitalized with VT in March 2017, 2 months after my mom’s death at age 71, after a 7-month struggle with a rare stage 4 cancer.
We had 4 family deaths during that 7-year period, which had a profound effect on my emotional and spiritual journey and impacted further on my heart. We understand the impact of stress and loss on our body but we don’t conclusively know what causes VT or other heart related arrhythmias. Certainly, there are well known substances like caffeine or alcohol that can aggravate heart arrhythmias but what is the true cause and how does this vary from patient to patient? We know how to treat patients with medications and procedures but we don’t fully understand why they present or which trigger factors are responsible in each case. There are always other factors but I certainly suspect that my issues have been related to grief. My heart, at the centre of my being, my organ representing love, simply reacts adversely to the loss.
Seven years is often referred to as a significant cycle in our lives. I was told that on a cellular level we change completely every year but at an atomic level it is every 7 years. Accurate or not, I have certainly felt a sense of renewal and vitality in the lead up to that 7-year mark.
I feel as though I have come a full circle since my SCA and reclaimed my ability to trust myself once again. This includes the power to recognise and listen to my intuition, to allow it to guide me, to freely share my wisdom with others, to keep collaborating, connecting with others, to be fully present and comfortable with the uncertainty of life. To go with the flow of life, not resist it. There is great freedom in going with life and allowing things to evolve. I was often personally tied to my ideas and thoughts. I now let them flow through me and they become integrated and grow and thus I am a change agent.
I now trust that this will assist me to face whatever tomorrow throws my way.
To some extent I have come to think of life, not in good or bad terms, but in terms of it “all being living”. Living means fully experiencing all that life offers! Without sadness and grief, there is no love. Without risk or fear, there is no living fully. Without ‘standing alone’ there is no belonging or sense of community! Our humanity is not found in the happy times alone, it is in the depths of sorrow, grief and sadness that we fully realise that the good and the bad, are all life, and it is worth every second.
Love always
Tracy
e-mail: tracy@waveformconsulting.com
http://www.waveformconsulting.com
Waveform Consulting 