I tend to forget about my heart related experiences and get on with my life but then something happens which taps me on the shoulder and says, ” hey you, remember you have a cardiac condition and ICD (implantable cardioverter-defibrillator) in place”.
My ICD battery replacement two weeks ago was the recent tap. Yet another medical procedure, another recovery, how many times do I have to go through this? Another reminder of my sudden cardiac arrest (SCA), of life in a hospital bed etc. Arrrgh…
And also, how lucky I am to still be alive. How lucky I am to have an ICD (mine is called Paul so this is Paul No.3) to keep me safe! How blessed and grateful I am! Ahhhh…
The contradictions that exist within me! “I’m completely over all this,” yet I also know that I can move through it gently and allow it to find renewed wisdom, resilience and courage.
Previous heart and shock experiences come flooding back and I look back and marvel about how far I’ve come, wonder how on earth I survived it all and acknowledge that it has brought me to where I am now. A reflection on the 14 years post SCA and all the richness of life I have experienced during this time.
In relation to the specifics of the procedure, I discover that I tend to believe that the past will repeat. Well, there is some logic to drawing on previous experiences. With my previous ICD replacement, I was conscious throughout and in severe pain. The following day, more pain and a flood of tears. I had wondered if my pain threshold was low as many others seemed to breeze through this. The second time replacement was so different: asleep for the procedure (1hr) and felt good upon waking. After eating, I had nausea and vomited a few times. Following days unsettled digestive system. I think from all the antibiotics. Very little pain, swelling and bruising from the wound. So, my experiences were totally different (note: different doctor, anesthetist and hospital).
So, what are my lessons:
Allow yourself to feel contradicting and seemingly opposing emotions about your condition or procedure such as frustration and joy at the same time. Don’t let one negate the other, they are both valid and are a vital part of your healing.
Allow yourself to recover and heal in your own time and get inspiration to move forward by looking back on your journey acknowledge how much you have grown.
Whilst drawing on past experiences keep an open mind about each new procedure because it won’t necessarily be the same as before.
*thanks to a fellow SCA survivor for the very apt title of this blog.
Keep riding the wave of life.
Love always
Tracy
tracy@waveformconsulting.com
https://waveform-consulting.square.site
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